It's always good to hear

Today I hung out with my grandmother. I didn't tell her our plans, but we did talk about a lot of other things.

I told her how I felt that I was always disappointing everyone, that nothing I do is ever enough. She sincerely apologized and told me how proud she was of me. How I went to school and follow through with my job. How I bought a house and be the person I am. It's just what I needed to hear. Especially after everything that is going on. Without telling her why it was said I told her how it made me upset and how it hurt me of how my mom said God doesn't approve of my choices. She wasn't happy about that. She told me that as a mother it is hard to see your kids do something that you yourself cannot approve of and a mother will shed tears over it and pray for you, but it can never take away their love for their children.

Before she dropped me off she told me that she was sorry for hurting my feelings. She then brought up our conversation that time we went out to dinner and she apologized. She went on to say that seeing me with my nephew, Alex, that she could see that I yearn to have a child of my own. She said I would make a damn good mother and who was she to take that away from me because of her feelings. Nannan said that no matter what I choose she loves me no matter what.

I still haven't told her our plans, but with her saying that I will tell them sooner rather then later. Now I don't know if anyone said anything or she just picked it up. There are times when Nannan is a very intelligent woman and she always speaks from her heart when it comes to her feelings for her family.

It really made me feel so much better to hear the things she said. I hope in my heart that we can grow from it.

Round 2 DING DING DING

Lovely convo already this morning...

Mom: Sweetie do you remember our talk a few years ago about my disagreement with you having a baby right? I want to make sure you know this. As I said I still love you no matter what. Ok you know it will upset Dad and Nannan right? They will tell me of their disagreement with this plan. I want you to know that I will tell them don't ask me as Sheila. You know God doesn't approve of this right? OK I am done. I did my part. The rest is between you and them.

Me: No it is my responsibility I'll tell them when I'm ready. I love you too but do not tell me God doesn't approve. I KNOW God loves me and it doesn't matter what I do in life as long as I'm serviceable to my fellow man. That is YOUR church telling you that it's wrong and I'm sorry they don't speak for God no matter what you THINK.

Mom: Good glad to hear that (about telling when ready).

Me: I keep my mouth shut about your religion so do not, DO NOT tell me what you think God "says" because he didn't come to you personally and tell you.

Mom: Did you tell Josh about your plan to have a baby?

Me: Yes. Josh and Sylvia both know. Josh is happy and Sylvia is excited.

Mom: No. Have you read the Book of Mormon lately? As I said I am done. You know things and understand. I let it go. That's great (about Josh and Sylvia knowing). It's only Nannan and Dad you will have to face. It's going to be a girl no boy.

Me: The Book of Mormon and Bible mean nothing to me. I have my relationship with God and that's all that matters.

Mom: If I lose the bet (meaning if we have a boy and not girl) I'll take you to Dairy Queen. Deal?

Me: OK deal.

Mom: Good looking forward to having a grand kid.

(Amity wrote this one out today to actually make it make some sort of sense.)
What a prize! Ice cream if it's a boy! Nothing if it's a girl! Oh joy! I can hardly contain my excitement! I said I would one up that and when we find out that we are ACTUALLY pregnant, we'll go to Applebee's! Oh my! Sheila said OR DISNEYLAND!!! haha

I'm slightly at a loss for words over Sheila pretty much getting a punch in the face and then her mother talking like nothing happened and making bets over gender. Also, yesterday with saying pretty much the same thing as today and then turning around and asking about twins. Hurts my head.


Edit: Sheila has only told her mom and she's going to wait to tell her Grandparents and Father until after she's pregnant. Her mom isn't going to say anything (hopefully). So, if anyone else reading this knows her parents or grandparents, please don't say anything, she'd rather they heard it from us. She love and respects her mom and doesn't want people to think bad of her because of what was said. She's a great person, just naive. Sheila knows her mom will come around, she just needs time.

This post is for Heather bc she wanted one :)

OK I texted my mom today.The conversation went like so-

Me: "Guess what."
Mom: "What?"
Me: "We decided to have a baby"
Mom: "How?"

So after this question I'm thinking 'Well the egg drops down and the sperm race to the egg to see who gets there first......' Really? Why would you ask me that. Anyway, I politely responded because I don't want to be sarcastic and make it worse. Just in case.

Me: "My friend is donating sperm."
Mom: "Hope you check his life background. Anyway who carry baby?"

(Keep in mind my mother's grammar sucks and I'm posting exactly what was said."

Me: "Of course. He's making an appointment to get tested for any STD or genetic complications. He already has a kid and she's healthy.
      I am bc I have insurance and I already saw the doctor and they told me I was healthy."
Mom: "Just checking."
Me: "We did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions. We're really excited about it but we're not gonna be dumb about it."
Mom: "It is ur life I will always love u and baby.
       OK beware of ur family. Even dad. He not going to like it cuz there is no father role for a child. U already know how I feel. I don't need to tell u.
        I know you and Amity will be good mothers.
        How many kid u plan twin?"
Me: "Mom you can't plan twins. For now just 1 kid."
Mom: "OK good luck. When will that happen?"
Me: "Were gonna start trying in June."

Lot of convo in between but I won't bore you with that. Anyway, my thing is with my dad having a problem with it, and my mom shares the same concerns, about no father figure. Warning foul language afoot.

WHAT THE FUCK. How is that a valid reason for you to be upset with us having a child because there is no father figure? How is that justified? I'm sorry but my father was there but he wasn't really a role model. There are many single mothers out there working their asses off to provide and be there for their children and those kids come out ok. How about the single fathers with no mothers? Those kids come out alright too. But then there are kids with both parents in their lives who come just as fucked up as the next kid. It doesn't matter who is in the child's life it matters how the child is raised. And if people are so Goddamn concern about having a good male role model our kid will have plenty. There's Uncle Gary, Uncle Jerod, Uncle Josh, Uncle Bryan, cousin Jesus, and whoever else has a penis that's in our lives.

I'm just saying that I guess I don't understand why it's such a big deal to them that there be a father figure in the picture. This kid is gonna be so loved and so spoiled that it's gonna have a happy fulfilled life, no matter who it's parents are.

So my mom goes on to say that she's not gonna tell anyone else. She said "I want to thank you for share with me. I love you so much."

I told her that I wanted to share with her bc I wanted her to be involved. She is my mother after all it's only right. Then I shared with her my feelings of telling Nannan about how she told me that if I were to have kids she would cut me out of her life and that seriously killed me when she said that. I love my grandparents. They were always there. A major part of my life. If I were ever in a jam they were right there to help me out when my mom couldn't. And anyone who knows my grandparents knows how great they are. So it makes me sad thinking that they would cut me out of their lives and that's why Amity is so concern about me saying anything to them.

This is what my mom said about it-
Mom: "She might but she get over it. Same for dad. As I say be aware of family. U will be sad for a while too bc of Nannan and dad. we all will love baby and always always love you."

So that was it. It started out a little shaky but it slowly got better. I'll always know how she truly feels but I think once we do have the baby and she gets to spoil it I think she'll slowly change her mind. As far as everyone else is concerned I dunno.... But the person who needed to know now does and I feel a lot better now that she does. Like a small amount of the weight on my shoulders have been lifted.

Thanks to everyone for their comments, advice, and concerns. It really helped in making my brave attempt in taking that first step of telling my parents.

To tell or not to tell.

This isn't really an update just more of thoughts towards whether or not to let my parents/grandparents know about us trying.

I want to start off by saying how much I adore my parents and grandparents. I know they love me and I'm really grateful that they haven't disowned me or hate me for living my life for who I am. However, in past conversations my mom and my grandmother, both who say whatever is on their minds without thinking (it's just who they are) have made it clear about how they feel about me having a child with Amity. After a while though my mom has said do what you want I'll spoil the kid anyway. It's like she says that but at the same time you can tell that she doesn't want me to raise a child in "non- normal family environment".

It's not that they don't like Amity, they do. My grandparents adore her, so does my mom. They just don't like the situation and I don't expect them to fully accept it. They don't feel that it's appropriate. That's fine everyone has their own opinion. I just don't want to feel like the worse person in the world.

I just don't want to put my life on hold and wait till they pass away to start my family.

So here's the dilemma. I have yet to tell them that we're actually in the process of working on building our family. Amity's whole family knows. Only Josh and Sylvia of my immediate family knows and they're totally excited. I want to tell my mom so we're not springing it on her after the fact. Amity wants to wait so I'm not stressing out over more then I need to. But honestly I stress out more when I'm not sure what my parents are thinking, and what's gonna happened. But I'm scared to say anything.

So should I say something or should I wait?

For those who were wondering (caution: TMI)

Just an update for those who were curious.

Right now I am keeping track of my temperature to see when I start ovulating. So I bought a basal thermometer and a ovulation kit. The plan is to start insemination in June. I still have to get some genetic testing done so I need to make another doctor's appointment. Also Amity was reading somewhere that I need another blood test called CMV testing. Yay.

CMV testing is checking for a virus that has major birth defects. If I'm positive it doesn't matter if the donor is positive or negative so therefore he won't have to be tested. But if I'm negative then he has to be tested to also be negative because if he's positive and I'm negative that's where the birth defects fall into place. But we're not worried because they have a healthy kid.

Trying to remember to take my prenatal vitamins is a pain in the ass. Sometimes I forget to take them. Oops. Also I have to check my temp as soon as I wake up. I can't do anything before. Can't get up, talk, or go pee (I guess that falls under the can't get up.)  I think that's it for now. Not really much else to do until we figure out the ovulation cycle.

(Amity says HI)

This is Sheila, signing out.